Same Vessel 12 Years Later, The Art of Anger & Brokenness

Kintsugi - "golden joinery" is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with urushi lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Yesterday, and when I woke up this morning at 3:52 am, I was overwhelmed with frustration & anger.

What should I do with these emotions?

Yesterday evening, I spoke to my dad on the phone, as I know he has felt before the way that I do now. He said, You are definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's true, and yet what do I do with this?

Waiting is so hard when you don't know what the next week or month might bring. I have felt this before.

[As I wrote that last sentence, I looked back in my journal and found this entry from 12 years ago - this is from the period that I had a terrible wound on my hip that kept me mostly bed-bound]

7/30/2013

I can hardly believe it's almost august. What a crazy nine months it's been. I'm overwhelmed by thinking about where I've been and where I have yet to go. On one hand, I feel that I've learned a lot over these past few months. I'd like to say that I'm a better person because of it. Yet on the other hand, I feel like I have so much to learn and that I have proven myself to be pretty weak and sad.

Then I found another journal entry from 8/2/2013:

i'm so tired and overwhelmed in my heart and soul.

i know that staying down is what i need to do. i need to accept it fully to gain the most out of it. that is not an easy feat.

I'm overwhelmed by the world and by the unpredictability of life.

it would seem to me that I am here to do something big.

if not then i don't know what i am doing. perhaps that is the biggest problem with where i am at. i don't know where i am going and for what reason. part of me longs for material possessions - fast cars and a large house. these things don't matter and i know it but they have consumed my mind...

the thing is that these things probably don't matter at all. so what is left. I need to focus on learning something from these next few months (hopefully few months and not more).

i ask for guidance and clarity.

this life is so complex and sad i know somehow i can make it better in a way that is not cliche. i'm tired of sugar coated bullshit. i want things to be simple, elegant and sophisticated… but no bullshit. maybe i just need to listen to my heart and move to colorado for a while - live out of my van, play my guitar and take it easy.

i ask that God make it very clear what i should be doing in the meantime.

when i get better i don't think i can go back to academics. i feel like all the time spent writing, if one actually cares, is better spent working and helping people get through the shit that you've survived or are living

what do i care most about and why do i even care so much about these things? I'm seeking perfection of a lifestyle but perhaps neglecting the most important aspect, which is what is the potential that my life can be, which i'm not taking advantage of. i pray for guidance again, and good health and healing. i'm tired and i need my spirits lifted.

8/4/2013

I've been stuck in the worst situation of my existence and i feel alone, isolated, confused, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, pissed off, angry.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward, some are strong in the broken places."

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

Found another cloud cult lyric that fits this moment (bigger than me),

Knowing I know nothing is the only thing I know
Hold my hand and don't let go

When I have my doubts about the meaning of this life
I see it in my children, and I see it in my wife
I don't need the answers, I just need a friend
Cuz the only thing worth knowing is love in the end

But everywhere I look I see it staring back at me
Something bigger than me